The importance of boundaries with children
Before my husband and I decided to have kids we discussed in depth how we would parent. Between you and me, we hit a sticking point on discipline. How we would discipline, what it would look like and how we’d establish those boundaries. I feel for my hubby, it can’t be easy being married to a Clinical Psychologist, so I turned to parenting DVDs by a professor in child psychology to help persuade my husband to see my point of view. This was a cheeky move yes, but sometimes it takes a third party when you’re stuck to help find a solution. Eventually we ended up on the same page and the baby making began.
However, for so many couples, this isn’t a conversation that occurs before you decide to have kids. This can become even more problematic if you didn’t have healthy boundaries in your own childhood. If clear boundaries were never modelled for you, it can be difficult to establish them with your own little ones.
What are boundaries?
The thing to hold in mind is that children are not born with boundaries, this is something that we have to teach them; it is something that they learn. Boundaries are essentially a “property line” that helps define a person. As Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend describe it, “it defines where one person ends and someone else begins… where a person’s boundaries are, we know what we can expect this person to take control of: himself or herself”. So, when we relate that to parenting, what we are really trying to do is to teach our children who they are and what they are responsible for and that is established through clear boundaries.
Dr Cloud and Dr Townsend suggest that if you can establish these clear boundaries with your children you can expect the following:
Self-control
Responsibility
Freedom
Love
That sounds wonderful right but how, as parents, do we get there and what do clear, healthy boundaries look like?
Your child is reacting to you.
The first thing to be aware of is that your child is reacting and responding to your parenting and that can be a hard pill to swallow.
One of the most common issues that presents in my clinical practice is children with emotional and behavioural issues. More often than not this is a reaction and response to parenting. As Cloud & Townsend state, “you need to interpret a child’s behaviour as a response to your own as well as in terms of his motives, needs, personality and circumstances”. In other words, children respond and adapt to how they are parented.
Let me give you an example of how you can start shifting your focus in this arena. Rather than asking yourself the question, “Why won’t my son stop hitting his sister?”, ask yourself, “What was my part in creating this issue?”. Taking a step back and looking at what you could do differently, whether that be your reaction, inaction, or what you role model can be a helpful first step to addressing the problem at hand.
Don’t get me wrong, your kids are going to push the boundaries. It’s normal and part of development. So, you need to know what is developmentally appropriate for your little one.
What is age appropriate?
Birth to 12 months: During the first year of your child’s life they are establishing basic trust so boundaries during this time should be very minimal. Your main goal during this period is nurturing your little one and meeting your baby’s needs for comfort and love.
1-3 years old: This can be a challenging age bracket, but children during this period are capable of responding to the word no and of understanding the consequences of their behaviour. They may not be able to understand why you are implementing these boundaries, but they will be able to comprehend that staying within the boundaries you have set will yield positive things and stepping outside will have consequences.
3-5 years old: During this time children are capable of understanding boundaries and taking more responsibility for their actions. More than this, they can talk to you about it. Things to work on during this phase are: Treating others kindly, doing household chores, disagreeing respectfully and responding to authority. Consequences such as a loss of toys or technology and time-outs are really effective at this age.
6-11 years old: This is stage where an increasing amount of your child’s time will be invested in things outside of the family unit, such as school, extra-curricular activities and friends. Boundary issues that may arise will revolve around balancing time at home and with friends, schools’ tasks and homework. Consequences at this age might involve restrictions on freedoms and home privileges.
12-18 years old: Welcome to the adolescent!!! This stage is all about your child working out who they are and where they fit into the world. It is naturally a more egocentric time and a time where your role as a parent shifts to help them foster that independence. This is when your role is to help them with issues such as relationships, scheduling (their brain isn’t able to time-manage yet, they need help here,) values and long-term goals. Try to provide as many natural consequences as possible during this stage, such as, supporting the consequences the school instills or stopping their pocket money/allowance for a set amount of time.
All stages come with their challenges- remember to be gentle with yourself and adapt when you need to!
Establishing clear boundaries.
Here are 6 ways to establish clear, healthy boundaries with your kids.
1 | Less is more.
Try not to overwhelm yourself or your child with too many boundaries, they will only be harder to implement and maintain. Five boundaries that are effective 100 percent of the time are better than 20 that are rarely maintained.
2 | Be precise.
Be clear and precise when establishing boundaries. Effective communication is key here. Encourage your child to repeat back to you the boundary that you have set up to ensure that everyone is on the same page.
3 | Involve them.
Involve your kids in boundary setting. When your child(ren) are part of the process, they will take more ownership and responsibility for their actions. They become more invested. Set up a family meeting so everyone is on the same page.
4 | Write up a contract.
Once you have all agreed on the boundaries and the consequences of undesirable behaviour, write it up and get everyone to sign it.
5 | Display the contract.
Visual cues are amazing! Post the contact in the kitchen, in the bedroom, wherever you feel will be most helpful to keep the boundaries fresh in everyone’s’ mind. More than that, it takes the emotion out of putting these boundaries into practice, as you are prepared and can point to the contract as a handy reminder!
6 | Celebrate good behaviour.
Try to remember that children want your attention. Even negative attention. If they are misbehaving, when we respond, they are gaining our attention. So, when they are doing things well, celebrate it. Encourage them. Praise them. Catch them in those moments. Not only will it bolster self-confidence, but it will give them another reason to continue with that desirable behaviour. A win-win for everyone!
Boundary setting isn’t easy. Maintaining healthy boundaries isn’t easy. And no one gets it right all the time. Be kind to yourself, but remember, establishing clear, healthy boundaries will be hugely beneficial for everyone.
