How to Disarm a Bully

Bullying.  It’s rife, everywhere and every parent’s worst nightmare. 

As a Mum, this is something that I have had to face. And my son is only 3! I’ve watched my little, gentle boy physically hurt by another child, relentlessly. It broke my heart. I felt so helpless in my inability to protect him, to be there with him and keep him away from harm. I watched as he started to internalize the confusion, pain and hurt of the situation. To withdraw in to himself. I held him as he had nightmares about what he was enduring at ‘school’, hugging him tightly and wishing I could make it all go away. I consoled him when he stood at the school doors in tears, not wanting to let me go. I advocated for him, continuously, passionately. I did everything in my ‘Mum’ state that I could think of to help my little man navigate these rocky and unfair waters. Everything. But unfortunately, this is something that most kids will face at some stage. It’s a common part of childhood.

I was lucky that I had my professional voice to fall back to.  To remind me what I would tell another parent in this situation.  To remind me what skills I would teach the child.  And thank god for that.  Because I felt torn apart by the situation - angry, and at times irrationally so.  So, I thought I’d share with you all a resource that you can use to help your kids.

Our role in this is partly about helping our kids learn how to cope. Building that ever needed emotional resilience.  And this, this is what will help lessen the impact of bullying in the years to come.

Now don’t get me wrong, physical bullying is NEVER okay.  It’s not something that a child should ever have to handle on their own.  This is where we as parents step in.  But let’s focus on the verbal and emotional side of bullying.  This is where we can teach our kids how to disarm a bully. 

1|   Learn to ‘love’ them

I want to introduce you to, in my opinion, the world leader in bullying, Brooks Gibbs.  This guy has presented his approach to bullying to millions in the US.  You can find his approach on YouTube and I highly recommend you watch, as he demonstrates just what to do —but I’ll break it down here and explain.  His philosophy and the strategies he teaches kids are that you need to arm the victim with resilience by teaching them how to disarm a bully. Now here’s the catch, you do that by “loving them”.  It’s out there and it sounds a bit odd but, it works.  And when you examine it a bit further, it makes sense. 

At a biological level, we are all programmed for reciprocity.  Think of it this way, when someone is nice to you, do you feel like being mean back?  No, you feel like being nice in return.  You reciprocate.  And the same applies for the opposite.  When someone is mean to us, of course we feel like being mean in return.  Now there are always exceptions to this rule, BUT, mean people are likely to have serious neurological impairments or emotional disturbances. 

Based on this, the Law of Reciprocity, we are put on the back foot.  It gives others power over how we feel and act.  They act, we react.  But the great news is, YOU do have power over you.  And this is the genius of the ‘Golden Rule’. 

2|   Apply the Golden Rule 

“The minute someone is mean to us and we choose to be kind back, a switch flips in their brain.  Their brain tells them to stop being mean and to start reciprocating kindness”. 

Applying the Golden Rule means that YOU are in charge.  It takes the power from the bully who is seeking control.  It allows you to communicate from a position of strength and confidence and to be motivated by the virtue of kindness. 

As I mentioned earlier, watching Brooks Gibbs demonstrate this really gives you a sense of what I’m trying to convey.  I recommend watching it with your kids and practicing at home together.  It’s a wonderful skill to learn and this is something that isn’t just specific to childhood, because as we all know, adults can be bullies too.  

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