How asking the right questions can transform your self-awareness

A common theme I see in my work as a Clinical Psychologist is people struggling with self-knowledge and self-awareness.

‘Who am I?’ sounds like a question we should all know the answer to, yet research tells us that 95% of us don’t know the answer to that question! To me, that statistic is alarming! How is it that only 5% of the population feel confident in their answer to this seemingly simple question? Only 5% of us are adept at a skill that effects every single relationship that we have in life, from work, family and parenting, right through to our love and sex lives. So, as a clinician, wanting to help, I began to look into some vital questions; who are these self-awareness wizards and how did they achieve such a useful and coveted life skill?

Self-awareness

Self-awareness involves discovering who we are. To be self-aware is to see ourselves clearly; to understand how we fit into the world.  And there is huge power in that.  There is comfort and peace to be had in knowing ourselves. 

Research tells us that self-aware people are more fulfilled, have healthier relationships, are more confident, more creative, perform better at work, are more effective and profitable leaders AND they are less likely to lie, cheat and steal.  Now who wouldn’t want to have all of those attributes?!  However, most of us (and the problem here is at many of us think that we are self-aware) aren’t these people.  So why is this?  Where are we going so wrong? 

The trouble with introspection

It would seem logical to assume that people who spend more time on self-analysis would have greater self-awareness?  That they would be the people ticking off the above list?  Yet, the research tells us that people who are introspected are MORE stressed and depressed!   They are LESS satisfied with their jobs and relationships and feel less in control of their lives! 

This is because self-analysis can trap us.  Thinking about ourselves and our thoughts, personality traits and actions doesn’t actually equate to knowing ourselves. 

Let me give you an example of how this trap can play out. 

“If you had to make a list of all the reasons why your romantic relationship is going the way it is — what would you say?” 

Now let’s imagine you consider yourself to have a great relationship  but last night you and your partner had a massive fight over how to load the dishwasher!!!  I’m talking nuclear level on the argument scale… and I’ve just asked you to make this list. 

These are the kind of answers that start popping up in this context:

“I’m so sick of his mansplaining!”

“He never listens to me.”

“I have to do everything myself.”

“She is so critical.”

“I’m fed up of being micro-managed in my own home!”

What’s happened here is called the ‘recency effect’ This is when more recent information is better remembered and receives greater weight in forming a judgement than previous experiences and perceptions. Recent experience has started to shape your perception of the bigger picture.  Over time this can really start to cloud our self-perceptions. 

How to become a self-awareness wizard

Dr Tasha Eurich and her team researched exactly this group - the 5% of the population who were actually self-aware.  What they discovered was that how we were reflecting on ourselves was where we were going wrong.  Essentially, we’ve been asking the wrong questions. 

1|  Stop asking ‘WHY?’

2|  Start asking ‘WHAT?’

I’ll give you some examples.  Let’s take Nicole, a breast cancer patient.  She started asking herself the question, “Why me?”  She described her diagnosis as it “felt like a ‘death sentence.”  With support she was able to reframe this question and instead asked herself, “What’s most important to me?” and this this small adjustment helped her to define what she wanted her life to be like with whatever time she had left. 

Another example is Mark.  He hates his job.  Naturally he asked, “Why do I feel so terrible?”.  Instead, he changed this to “What situations make me feel terrible and what do they have in common?”.  From his reflections he was able to see that he’d never enjoyed his profession, so he quit his job and is now happy pursuing a different career path.

Here’s a personal one.  I am swamped in my private practice.  I’m turning people away on a daily basis.  Due to this, we started to get angry emails from people who were desperate for help.  This really started to take a toll on me.  I was really low and just wanted to hide away.  I started asking myself, “Why are they being so horrible to me?  I’m doing everything I can to help as many people as possible.  Why am I being painted as the villain?”. 

Then it dawned on me to take my own advice (go figure!!) I reframed my self questioning to “What about all the people that you are helping?”. I even went so far as to pull out old emails, letters and cards from patients who have thanked me over the years It worked - my mood started to lift  My focus changed and I could see the positives about my work more clearly than the negatives

Self-awareness is vital and gives us a much better shot at finding inner contentment and the way we ask ourselves these questions is the key to unlocking that puzzle. 

Want more?  Check out our free downloadable guides!