What is your relationship’s sexual style?
Most of us are aware that couples have different ‘relational styles’, which is really another way of saying, couples vary in how they deal with conflicts and differences but are you aware that couples have different sexual styles?
Now, I’ll be honest with you, before I started practicing as a Clin Psych I wasn’t really aware of this. However, I was always curious about how some couples seemed to have different sexual dynamics and I had even noticed this in my own personal experience. According to Barry McCarthy, those different dynamics are based on two things:
1| How does each partner maintain their individual sexual voice whilst being an intimate sexual team?
2| How do partnerships integrate intimacy and eroticism into their relationship?
From the answers to those two questions, four common couple sexual styles have emerged. In order of frequency, these are:
Complementary (mine and ours)
Traditional (conflict minimizing)
Best Friend (soul mate)
Emotionally Expressive (fun and erotic)
Understanding sexual styles.
It’s important to remember that there is no ‘one style fits all’ here and each style comes with its own strengths and vulnerabilities. The most important step is to understand the different styles and then to find a matching style that is a good fit for the couple. If this happens, McCarthy states “the couple sexual style allows a mutually acceptable way of thinking, talking, experiencing, and feeling about sexuality so that it has a 15-20 percent positive role in their relationship”.
I’ll give you a quick run-down of the four different styles.
1 | Complementary Couple Sexual Style
This one is by far the more popular style, especially among couples in therapy. The real strength in this style is that each party has a positive sexual voice and they embrace being part of an intimate sexual team. There is no “my-way-your-way” struggle here, rather this style calls for sexuality as a shared pleasure. However, the real vulnerability with this style is that the sexual relationship can start to run on autopilot. With family, careers and social commitments, sex can start to become a low priority; another thing on your to-do list.
Tip: If this sounds like you, the recommended intervention is that every six months each partner initiates something new — this could be a different sexual position, a different after play scenario or even a new lotion. To ensure that you are able to maintain desire and satisfaction in the sexual relationship, it’s important that both parties contribute to keeping the spice in the bedroom.
2 | Traditional Couple Sexual Style
The biggest strength of this sexual style is that both partners accept traditional gender roles and this, of course, extends to same sex relationships. For example, one partner’s focus is on sexual initiation and frequency whereas the the other partner focuses on intimacy and affection. However, there are two prime vulnerabilities with this model. Firstly, as a man ages his ability to achieve predictable erections decreases and secondly, the traditional female in the relationship can feel that her needs for intimacy and attachment are driven by the traditionally ‘male’ focus on intercourse.
Tip: If this is you, the recommended intervention here is that every six months, the ‘male’ partner initiates an intimacy date where sex is off the table and the ‘female’ initiates a playful or erotic date. This intervention will help to put some spark back into this sexual style.
3 | Best Friend Couple Sexual Style
According to McCarthy the key strengths of this sexual style are “high levels intimacy, mutuality, loving feeling and communication”, where emotional attachment is viewed as more important than eroticism. This style is highly validating. Each party feels validated, accepted and respected. However, there are two major vulnerabilities with this style. Firstly, because emotional attachment is so highly valued it may lead to a ‘de-eroticizing’ of the spouse or the relationship. Secondly, due to an emphasis on mutuality, a lack of emotional or sexual risks is likely, potentially leading to low sexual frequency.
Tip: If this is you, the recommended intervention is that every six months each partner initiates a “selfish” erotic scenario. The idea here is that you are trying to create more space to breathe and play together.
4 | Emotionally Expressive Couple Sexual Style
This sexual style is the most fun and erotic of the four. Often others envy the sexually liberated couple who are free from traditional gender roles, who value sexual play and eroticism and are most likely to engage with role-play. Another major strength of this style is that this is the most flexible and resilient of the styles. However, this style is also the least secure. A particular sexual vulnerability here is that after a negative sexual experience, the other partner says hurtful and damaging things - often referred to as a “sexual atomic bomb”.
Tip: If this is you, list 3 atomic bomb issues and commit to one another that no matter how hurt, angry or drunk you are, you are not to use a sexual atomic bomb!
As you’ve read through those four styles you may feel that you have parts of each in your relationship and that’s more than okay. There is no ‘right’ couple sexual style. What is important is starting a dialogue around what style promotes desire, pleasure, eroticism and satisfaction in YOUR relationship and what could be the potential vulnerabilities. Here are a few questions you can ask one another to get the conversation started!
How important is sex in your life?
Do you enjoy cuddling or sensual touch?
Do you prefer mutual touching or taking turns?
What are your thoughts on playful touching?
What is your preferred sexual position? (what is most arousing for you?)
How much do you value eroticism? (think role-play, external stimuli etc.)
Remember, this is about finding out what is the right fit for you as a couple, not what you feel that you ‘should’ be doing or what is more socially acceptable. Share your thoughts with your partner and discover what works for you both as a sexual team and always remember different feelings and preferences around intimacy and sex are normal and healthy.
