Divorce: Why it might be for you + how to talk to your kids about it
Divorce doesn’t mess kids up. Yup, you read right, divorce isn’t going to ruin your kids. However, unexplained tension and conflict, that always feels unsafe for kids. And here’s the thing, in so many families, divorce is actually a moment of relief for kids. I know it was for me… because it means that you’re no longer in a home that is filled with all of that tension, or yelling, or conflict. As we unpack this topic, please remember that.
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The toll an unhappy relationship can take
I’ve seen it time and time again, individuals staying in unhappy relationships or marriages assuming that it’s not that big of a deal… “I’ll just stay and accept that this is what my life looks like”; or they tell themselves, “once this happens, then it’ll get better”, or “once the kids leave, then I’ll leave”, or “if he goes back to FIFO, then I think it’ll be better”... if any of these narratives sound familiar, read on.
Thanks to researchers from the University of Michigan we can actually see how harmful both divorce AND an unhealthy relationship can be. They discovered that those in an unhappy relationship increased their chances of getting sick by roughly 35% and they found that it can even shorten your lifespan by an average of four to eight years.
Now on the flip side, those in happy relationships lived longer and healthier lives than their divorced counterparts or those who were unhappily married.
So why can a relationship take such a toll on our health? Scientists don’t have the exact answer, but they believe that those who stay in an unhappy relationship are in a constant and chronic state of diffuse physiological arousal - basically this means that they feel physically and emotionally stressed. And this stress takes a toll on the body and the mind, presenting in a multitude of different ways - depression, anxiety, high blood pressure, heart disease, you name it, none of it is good. AND researchers also know that divorce suppresses the immune system. In other words, if you’re potentially fighting with your spouse around ending your relationship, your body basically stops fighting; it decreases in its ability to fight off foreign invaders, so think of cancer, nasty infectious diseases. Yup - it’s a whole bag of fun.
What about the kids?…
The research has clearly demonstrated that staying in an unhappy relationship for the sake of kids is going to be more harmful to them than good.
Children suffer when things aren’t good at home. They’ve even done studies where they tested the urine of preschoolers to determine what their home environment was like - and basically those kids whose parents were in an unhappy relationship had high levels of cortisol (your stress hormone) in their urine.
The researchers also found that this chronic stress state for kids was echoed in their behaviour. They even followed these preschoolers and checked back in on them when they were 15 - and the kids from these homes, they suffered far more truancy, depression, peer rejection, behavioural problems, low achievement at school or even school failure. So how we are in our relationship affects our kids, more than you know!
What do kids really need?
Kids need us to be the most grounded and safe version of ourselves.
They need you to talk to them about things that they are noticing, about the tension in their environment. They don’t need secrets to protect them, they need safety and understanding. And you can do all of these things. And it might, in fact, be easier for you to do all of those things after a divorce. So if divorce is something you’re considering or about to enter into, remind yourself that a divorce is not what will mess your child up. Below you’ll find some handy scripts to help you both before sharing the news and a guide of what you might say when you’re ready to tell them.
What to hold in mind before you tell the kids you’re separating
It’s so important to try to get on the same page with a co-parent, with your ex or soon-to-be ex, about talking to your kids about an upcoming separation or divorce.
Here’s the irony… when you’re going through a divorce you have to work extra hard at healthy communication with your co-parent, for the benefit of your kid. And the reason this is important is because when your child learns about your divorce, you want them to hear it in a safe conversation. You don’t want them, on top of learning about this big life transition, to be noticing all of this tension that they then feel responsible for or that they feel they have to manage.
So these are some words you could say to your co-parent, and I recommend rehearsing them in front of a mirror and preparing your body for them!
“Hey, I know we disagree about a lot of things and here’s something that I know we agree on. We want what’s best for our kid(s). And we know that telling our child(ren) about this transition is going to be tricky. I think we have to work extra hard at how we manage that conversation, and how we are going to do it in a calm way that really prioritises our kids' needs. I really see us being on the same team for that moment.”
Preparing for your child’s reaction
There is no easy way to share this news with your kid(s), in fact it’s hard. And most parents worry about their child(ren) having certain reactions.
Here’s an empowering shift in perspective: reflecting on the reaction we don’t want a child to have is a critical part of preparing for this conversation.
It helps us learn more about our own anxieties and increases the likelihood that we’ll show up as sturdy and connected, not reactive and triggered.
Below is an important exercise you can do before you tell a child about the impending divorce or separation.
When you’re ready, I invite you to take a slow deep breath to ground your body.
I invite you to think about the reaction you don’t want your child to have. Really develop the imagery and visualise the room you’ll be in with your child. Think about what they might be wearing, what colour the couch is that they’re sitting on, and what wall colour you see behind them….
Then imagine sharing the news… and imagine your child having the reaction you fear…. Again, really play this out in your mind.
Remember there’s a reason for all the details and immersing yourself in this image — it actually allows your body to notice how you will feel about that reaction. And you get to get ahead of it now by practising the reaction you want to have!
Now, see if you can find the self-belief under your reaction. As you search for it, sit with these words…
Any time we feel triggered by someone, it’s almost always because their words evoke a self-belief that feels intolerable to us.
Here’s what I mean, if my child yells at me, “I hate you! You don’t care about me at all!” I’ll only be “triggered” if these words evoke a self-belief inside me that says something like, “I am a selfish parent.”... If my child bursts into tears or says, “I’ll never be happy again!” I’ll only be “triggered” if my child’s sadness evokes a self-belief inside me that says something like “I’m messing up my kids forever” or “I’m a failure of a parent.”
Right now, think about what self-belief might get evoked inside you and then, once you’ve identified it, say ‘hi’ to this belief. Greeting it makes it less powerful as it now becomes something you can notice instead of something that inherently feels true.
Now, I invite you to place your hand on your heart and take some really slow deep breaths.
What you are doing now is layering groundedness after reactivity. This is the goal for the “real” moment when it comes. Tell yourself, “My child is upset and I can handle it”, …..or….. “I can cope with this”, …..or…. “I am a good parent. I will figure this out”.
Just notice how the words land on your own body. See what feels right to you or leads to a slight ‘softening’. If nothing seems to connect, that’s okay. Nothing is wrong with you! Focus instead on taking slow deep breaths and just reminding yourself of how capable you are.
And now, I want you to try to imagine the reaction you want to have to your child’s reaction… So how do you want to respond to your child if they react with sadness, anger, blame, or cruel words?
This might mean words like, “I hear you” or “I know this is a huge change”, or “you’re allowed to feel mad at me”, or “I know this feels awful right now”, or “I’m here. I’m still here. You can feel anything, and I’ll be here”. And just take another really slow deep breath.
You did so good!!! What I’d really encourage you to do is practice. Try this exercise a few times before you talk with your kids. Each time you practice, you give your body a chance to experience this new circuit.
If you do this, you’ll increase the likelihood that you’ll respond to your child based on their needs, not your triggers.
A script to share the news with your kid(s)
When you feel ready to share this news, here’s a script that might help guide you.
"I want to talk about something that we will all have big feelings about. We are getting a divorce. Divorce means that we will no longer be married; divorce also means that we will stay a family and you still have two parents who love you very much. I want you to know that you did nothing wrong and a divorce is never a kid's fault…. That's big news, huh? I am sure you have feelings… and questions. and we are here for all of them now and as they come up later”.
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