What you can do if things are feeling less than in the bedroom...
Sex itself is such a simple concept. Yet, somehow, it can become very complicated.
Perhaps you just don’t enjoy it anymore? Maybe you’ve never had an orgasm? Maybe you can’t switch that head of yours off and really be in the moment? Perhaps you’re not attracted to your partner sexually anymore? Or maybe, there’s just no desire there, despite you really wanting there to be? The issues with sex can be limitless. If this is you, read on dear reader.
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What science tells us about sex
We know that sexual dysfunction, particularly female sexual dysfunction is extremely common, with between 15-31% of women experiencing lasting and distressing complaints. From this group, we know that low desire - or loss of libido- is the most common. Actually, we know that a lack of desire will affect 50 % of women at some point in their lives. You read that correctly, 50%!! And the stats just keep getting worse. In fact, in a study conducted in Britain with 15 000 plus men and women, they found that 51% of women reported at least ONE sexual concern in the past 3 months.
But this isn’t just happening to women. We know that low desire is an issue for men too, affecting 12-28% of men and those numbers are only going up. Researchers from the National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles compared the data from 2001 to 2012 where they looked at the frequency that couples were having sex per month. Do you know what they found? They discovered that the frequency had decreased from 6.3 to 4.8 episodes per month from 2001 to 2012.
Now you might be asking yourself, what is causing these huge numbers? What is happening in contemporary society that is causing people to not only have LESS sex but to also be less interested in it?
What might be causing the sex drought?
We know from the research that depression was found to double the odds of a person having distressing low sexual desire. But mood difficulties or stress isn’t the only player here. Scientists have been intrigued by this question for decades — what are some characteristics that make people more vulnerable to developing sexual dysfunction?
Here are a few that they know:
Unmarried women (in America) were more likely to have problems with orgasm and sexual anxiety than married women;
Women who had not graduated high school were twice as likely to have low desire, problems with orgasm, sexual pain and sex-related anxiety compared to women with university-level education;
Nearly half of those with poor sexual function had symptoms of depression and 70% had fair to very bad health;
Being unemployed also increased the odds of having a sexual problem;
How strongly you hold on to some of the prevailing myths about age and sex, can predict whether you will develop a sexual concern.
myths + beliefs about sex
Our beliefs about sex are greatly influenced by where we receive our sex education and how much of it we receive.
Think back to what that was like for you? Did you talk about sex openly at home? Did your parents and other adults close to you express love and affection? Did you have someone to turn to talk about your feelings? What were you taught at school? Did you feel very informed about sex by the time you were sexually active?
I am always amazed by the number of women that I see who report feeling embarrassed about masturbation. It breaks my heart. When I ask them why they are embarrassed by this, they usually tell a tale of an early negative experience in relation to it and usually that experience is filled with shame. And that shame and embarrassment carries through into their adult life.
So what can you do?
One of the best treatments out there for low desire is mindfulness. Mindfulness practice has been in existence for close to four thousand years. It involves remaining in the present moment, fully experiencing each sensation and emotion, and resisting the tendency to both think about the future or ruminate about the past and fend off any feelings. It’s about relating to your thoughts and sensations in an entirely different way.
Why is mindfulness so helpful when it comes to sex?
The brain is our most powerful sex organ.
That’s right your brain. And if our brain is disengaged, it won’t matter what physical stimulation is involved, desire won’t increase. In a fMRI study that looked at women with significantly low sexual desire they found that these women had less brain activation in the occipital cortex and middle occipital gyrus than those in the control group. In others words, what they discovered was the women who were struggling with low desire - their brains spent more time attending to, reflecting on, and making inferences about one’s own emotional and mental state than those who didn’t struggle with low desire. Basically, that means, that rather than paying attention to arousal cues, they women would disengage from them.
Other studies have also discovered that women with low desire have smaller areas of gray matter in the brain and this can lead to a decreased perception of sexual responses in the body. In other words, it’s like a roadblock has been erected between a sexual trigger or cue and the woman’s response to it. And you can totally imagine how this will play out. It’ll be frustrating for all involved as something that you may have previously found arousing no longer elicits the same response. It’s like your sexual radar has been turned off.
So what researchers have discovered, is that mindfulness improves that mind-body connection. It helps bring both into sync, to engage the brain. And it’s exciting, because we can help train the brain to re-engage with those arousal cues. To get back online - so you can start enjoying sex more.
So if you’re up for a challenge, you can start with the raisin exercise right now - for all you Aussies out there, that’s a sultana. Heads up you’ll need one to do this. If you don’t have one ready to go, go get one, get comfy and come back to this.
The raisin exercise
As you practice this exercise, it is likely your mind will wander. It’s what minds do. When this happens I want you to just notice this and gently bring your attention back to the raisin.
When you’re ready I want you to take a big out-breath, and on the out-breath just let your body relax a little. On each out-breath sink a little deeper into your chair, or in your bed (or wherever you are doing this exercise).
Let’s begin…
1. I want you to start by observing the object. We’re going to refer to it as an object, even if you recognise it and immediately know what it is. By calling it an object, we are encouraging you to encounter this object as if you are seeing it for the first time.
2. I want you to take note of its shape, its size, colour. Examine the contours of the object.
3. I want you to notice how the light reflects on its surface.
4. I want you to smell the object, taking in the various aromas.
5. I want you to notice how your body responds to those different aromas. Just noticing.
6. Lift it to your ear.
7. If you move it between your fingers, does it have a sound?
8. Put the object against your lips without opening them.
9. Notice how it feels.
10. Notice if your mouth or body starts to react to having it there.
11. Now put the object in your mouth and roll it around with your tongue. Try not to bite it. What sensations do you notice? This can be a sharp example of how your mind anticipates something and reacts physiologically to it be preparing for it.
12. Eventually I want you to put the object between your back teeth and slowly and deliberately take one bite. Notice the explosion of flavours. Can you decipher the different ones? Can you observe where one flavour ends and the next one begins?
13. Then, very slowly chew into the object and follow the trajectory of its contents as they move down your oesophagus. Notice the aftertaste and the echo of the aftertaste.
How did you go? What did you notice? How do you think that exercise is related to any sexual desire issues you yourself might have?
Now you may be asking yourself how on earth is being mindful of raisin going to help my sex life? I hear you, it sounds kind of weird. And we know from the research that it works. In actual fact, in the studies where they have done this exact exercise, the individual's sexual satisfaction increased by 60 percent!!!
Journal prompts
Now if you really want to lean into this you, here are some prompts for journaling:
“What did you notice and what sensations did you experience during the practice of observing the raisin?”
“How is this way of paying attention different from how you normally experience the day-to-day events of your life?”
“How might paying attention to a raisin, as you did in this practice, be useful or relevant to your current concerns about sexual desire?”
And last little stretch…
Everyday I challenge you to eat ONE meal per day mindfully.
Just like you did in the above exercise, I invite you to take your time with it. Pay attention to the different sensations you experience. Notice what is different. Even put down your fork between bites, close your eyes and really take notice of the sensations and flavours in your mouth. And notice the changes that may start to happen in the bedroom…
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