When a loved one is struggling – a survival guide!

Life can be a challenge at times but watching a loved one struggle can leave us feeling even more powerless and helpless.  It can be very isolating to see a partner, close friend or family member hurting. Believe me though, you’re in no way alone.  This concept even has its own terminology.  We call it, ‘care-burden stress’ and it can become really heavy.  In fact, in 30-40 percent of cases in which someone is caring for another with a mental disorder, they end up suffering with depression themselves! 

So what do you do if this you?

1|  Talk to them about what they’re experiencing - the symptoms

Let's say your loved one is battling anxiety.  Now anxiety can be all consuming.  It can take over every facet of your life and deplete you in every arena.  So a great place to start is by talking to your loved one about the ways that it is affecting their daily life.  Like their sleep.  How has that been?  What does it look like for them?  Be curious.  It will help them to feel understood.

2| Try not to minimise their feelings - seek to understand them

This can be a tough one to practice, particularly if how your loved one is feeling makes zero sense to you.  It may seem completely illogical and irrational to you. Your best move here though is to try to understand.  Acknowledge that these fears, worries, feelings etc., are very real for your loved one. To help you with this, here is a gentle opener: “I can see how much you’re struggling.  How overwhelming this is for you.  Do you want to tell me about it?”  THEN, once your loved one feels heard and they begin to open up, you can address parts that may seem irrational to you.

3| Encourage them to seek help

If your loved one is really struggling I would always suggest encouraging them to seek help.  You can find names, places etc. that might be suitable for them, but try to get them to make the appointment(s).  They will feel more in control if they do, rather than feeling that the only reason they are seeking is help is because you want them to! Then, once they’re in treatment and have a diagnosis, read up on it.  You understanding more about what they’re going through can have a profound impact on them feeling understood and supported in their struggles. 

4| Create space for you!

This is perhaps the most important step of all.  You need to have space outside of your loved one’s issues.  You need to make time for you.  For your needs.  For your mental health.  Try to schedule in things that are nourishing for you, like regular exercise or catching up with your best friend.  And commit to these things.  Regularly.  Schedule them in. 

You can even go so far as to create space around the conversation of your loved ones struggles.  For example, if your loved one is suffering from an eating disorder and it’s constantly being discussed and encroaching on family life, carve out at least an hour per day where that topic is off limits.  Set a boundary around it and use that time to talk about whatever else has been present in your life.

This is hard.  Really hard.  So be kind to yourself.  Your role in this is not to ‘treat’ or ‘fix’ your loved one, it’s to be there; to love them. 

Remember, be gentle with you.  You’re probably doing far better that you realise, trust me! And the stronger you are feeling, the better you can help the one you love.

Need more?  Read our guide, ‘The 7 Antidotes to Stress’ to help you cope with any stress that may be arising or our guide on ‘How to feel in love and stay connected’.