How to be kind to yourself in the face of failure

We’ve all experienced failure  -  the heavy weight of it that hits hard, swiftly followed by an inner monologue in which we beat ourselves up for it.  This sense of failure, particularly when it has to do with our kids, can become so overwhelming that we can’t see a way to get out from under it. 

To try to help you find that, seemingly elusive light at the end of the tunnel, I’ll share a recent example from my own life. Our daughter, Sofia, made an unexpected and frightening entry into the world. She was born six weeks early, in emergency circumstances, and spent the first four weeks of her life in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. Everyday my husband and I watched couples take their babies home. We watched families wheel their healthy babies down to the lobby ready for that exciting and nerve wracking car journey. Some days watching this simple, beautiful act was so unbearable I would bite my lip to try and hold back the tears. Because in those moments of intense vulnerability, I felt like the biggest failure. I felt that I had failed as a mother and that the inadequacy of my body had failed our little girl. In those moments, where failure was hard not to see, hear and ruminate upon, I was so grateful that I had my training to fall back on.

In amongst the negative emotions I found my professional voice and rather than give into the voice that told me I was alone in my pain and that taunted me that I had failed my daughter, I instead applied self-compassion.

How did I do that?  I reframed my experience.  I reminded myself of the common humanity of the situation.  That perceived failure is what motherhood is all about.  We ALL face challenges with our children and we love them anyway.  I reminded myself what I would say to another in this situation.  The kind words I would use, the empathy I would show and my self-critical voice was quietened.  I held myself, physically at times.  More than this, I faced the pain.  I embraced it and sat with it, rather than trying to problem solve it, because there was no fixing this situation.  I was gentle with me.  And from this I was able to grow.

So when you face failure, because we all do and we all will!  Try applying these steps:

1| Self-kindness

Talk to yourself as you would your best friend.  You would not sit there and label every perceived flaw.  You would display kindness, understanding and empathy.  Apply that to yourself.

2| Mindfulness

This is around being willing to turn towards and acknowledge your pain.  Don’t run from it.  Try not to judge it.  Sit with it.  This is hard and requires practice and at times can feel like torture, but if you are able to do this, over time, you will be more emotionally stable.

 3| Physical touch

Show yourself physical compassion.  Think of times when you have seen someone you care for suffer, you instinctively want to comfort them with touch.  This physiological compassion is extremely effective, even if you’re not the touchy-feely type.  The big three are: physical warmth, gentle touch and soothing vocalizations (think the ahhhhh sound).  You will be amazed at how soothing putting your hand on your heart is, or hugging yourself tightly, at times when you are at your most self-critical.

 4| Reframe your experience

Try to remember the ‘common humanity’ — the understanding that we are ALL imperfect.  That we ALL have imperfect lives.  That we ALL struggle.  Every. Single. One. Of. Us.  There is no exception, despite what we might see on social media or pay attention to in others. 

Acknowledging that we all face hardships and failure helps to dismantle the belief that YOU shouldn’t fail.  It helps you shift your thinking style from “poor me” to “well everyone fails, it’s what it means to be human”.  That shift, that normalisation, can be the most powerful transition of all.

I hope that you can show yourself some kindness next time you attempt to tear yourself down.  Remember that you are enough.  You are worthy.  And that most of all, you are human.

Wanting more? Read our guides on ‘The Art of Saying No!’ and ‘The 7 Antidotes to Stress’