Sex: How to make it work for you

When Helen Gurley Brown sexed up Cosmo in the mid 60s she slowly started to remove taboos around frank and open discussion about sex. Decades later, when Sex and the City reached our TV screens in the late 90s, it was a further liberating moment, particularly for women.

Talking about sex. Being honest about sex. Creating more of a social dialogue for sex. But despite those ground breaking cultural steps and the current, liberal discussion of sex in the media, it’s still a topic that most of us feel a little embarrassed talking about, particularly in reference to ourselves and our own sex lives. I even hesitated to write this blog at first, despite it being a topic I regularly discuss in session with patients and one that I love — and one that so many still struggle with! So perhaps our liberation isn’t as advanced as we think?

Sex in itself is such a simple concept.  Yet, somehow, it can become so very complicated.   Perhaps you just don’t enjoy it anymore?  Maybe you’ve never had an orgasm?  Maybe you can’t switch that head of yours off and really be in the moment? Perhaps you’re not attracted to your partner sexually anymore? Or maybe, there’s just no desire there, despite you really wanting there to be?  The issues with sex can be limitless.  The good news is, there a few simple things you can do to help get your sex life back to where you’d like it to be. 

 1|  Kissing

The Gottman’s really are the gurus on anything relationship based (I highly recommend looking them up) - but I’ll never forget a line that John Gottman said, “if you want to have more sex, kiss your partner more”, and it’s so true.  Kissing really can be one of the most truly intimate moments you can share with your partner.   Just think about those early days and the excitement and longing of a kiss.  Even though it sounds simple, and the research tells us it works, it can get forgotten — so try making time to kiss each other more, with a kiss that lasts at least six seconds. 

2| Communicate

Now you might be thinking after tip number one … I don’t actually want to kiss my partner, or I don’t like how they kiss me? And so implementing more kissing time might just make things a tad tricky – and this all comes back to communication. 

How often do you really talk to your partner about your sex life together;  about what you like and need, what your fantasies are etc?  I bet it’s not often.  You might even feel extremely uncomfortable even broaching the subject.  So, here’s tip number two — talk about it!  If you don’t know how or where to start, the guru Gottmans have created a free app called “Affection + Lovemaking”  that gives you questions to ask one another.  This can be a really fun activity to do together — particularly over a glass of wine - you might even be surprised by what you find out!! 

*But before you jump into talking about all things sex, you might need to work on building back that emotional connection, reigniting the spark.  Check out our guide, “How to feel in love and stay connected” for more help in this arena.

3|  Setting the Scene

Try to create an environment that helps you to feel sexy, relaxed and ideally, confident.  Light those scented candles, put fresh sheets on the bed, dim the lights, put on clothes that make you feel good in your body, take a bath — whatever you need to do to help you to get in the mood.  Our environment can have such a big impact on how we feel, so make sure you invest in it. 

4| Stay in the moment

If you’re having issues in the bedroom it can be really hard to stay in the moment, to focus and to connect with your partner, which makes pleasure even harder to achieve.  So try this … focus on your senses.  Notice touch, smell, taste, sounds and what you can see.  Keep drawing your attention back to these senses, particularly if other thoughts start racing in.  If you are enjoying a particular sensation, tell your partner.  Encouragement and guidance is just another form of communication and it will help them for next time. 

If sex is too much, then start with a massage (without touching the genitalia) and use the same technique.  Notice how things feel and what you like and let your partner know as your experience this together. 

5| See your partner with fresh eyes

If you’ve been together for a while, you might have forgotten what attracted you to your partner in the first place and you might not see them like someone else would.  Have you ever had a friend compliment your partner and been surprised because you just don’t notice that anymore? 

Try finding little things that you appreciate about them daily (and tell them!).  Really notice your partner and all the positive things about them.  You might have forgotten how gorgeous your partners eyes are, or how strong or graceful they can be.  By drawing your attention to the things that you like about your partner, it will help shift the focus and foster more desire towards one another. 

Hopefully some of these tips will help you to start to have the sex life you want and as the inimitable Carrie Bradshaw put it, “colour outside of the lines” with each other.

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