How to build an emotional bank account — investing in your relationship
Guess what’s the number one thing that couples fight about? Maybe your guess would be money, or sex or how to bring up the kids? The actual, and rather surprising answer is … nothing. Yep, that’s right, nothing. Those relationship gurus, the Gottmans discovered that most couples weren’t disagreeing about big topics instead, they were arguing because of a failure to connect – to emotionally connect. And the thing is, they didn’t even realize it.
So, what does this huge challenge to our relationships look like? It’s couples complaining that one partner doesn’t show interest in the things that they care about or that they don’t pay enough attention to their needs. Maybe that sounds familiar in your own relationship or those you see around you. Let’s have a look at how it plays out and what can you do about it??
Turning towards vs turning away
Let’s imagine a scene. You and your partner are watching TV together when your partner receives a text that informs them of some bad news about one of their friends. You can do one of two things in this situation: turn towards or turn away.
Turning towards can be as simple as acknowledging what your partner has said. “Oh, that’s so awful. I’m so sorry to hear that”. That type of response is really about letting your partner know that you care, that you listened, that you hear what they’ve said. And that acknowledgment will help build up the positive emotional connection in the relationship. Because you’re there with them. You’re part of those small moments. Those opportunities for connection.
Turning away, on the other hand, is saying nothing, or being dismissive or complaining about the interruption, then continuing to watch TV. Zero or negative acknowledgment of what your partner has just shared with you. Leaving your partner feeling unheard, uncared for and alone.
So, the take away here is that most acts of turning towards your partner are small. They are everyday gestures, moments of appreciation, understanding, affection, kindness. They’re not grand in nature. It’s about making the effort to listen to your partner and to make them feel that you’re on their side. The beauty of this is that it’s small, tiny changes that make the most impact.
The Emotional Bank Account
The Gottmans came up with the idea of an ‘Emotional Bank Account’. Essentially, when you turn towards your partner you are making a bid for connection. You are making a deposit in your emotional bank account. And when you turn away from your partner — you’ve got it — you’re making a withdrawal. And just like in real life, having nothing or a negative balance in your bank account isn’t good.
As you can imagine, the more deposits you make, the more your emotional bank account is going to grow, particularly when the ratio of deposits vs withdrawals is higher. And more than that, the magic ratio is 5:1. 5 positive interactions to every 1 negative interaction (during conflict) and during everyday life, 20 positive interactions to every 1 negative one!!
I know 20 might sound like a lot, but try to remember, these bids for connection can be tiny. Asking your partner to tell you more, putting a hand on their back, validating their perspective — small turns towards one another. That’s all it takes to increase that daily balance.
The Gottmans have backed this incredible finding up with science — they found that in a six-year follow up study of newlywed couples, that couples who remained married turned towards their partners bids for connection 86% of the time, versus those who divorced only averaged 33%!
Now these concepts sound simple, but they require your awareness to effectively implement them. If you want more help, check out our free eBook, ‘How to feel in love + stay connected’.