Let’s talk about shame and guilt; yes there is an important difference
Distinguishing between shame and guilt is critical. Why? Because these two feelings ignite very different reactions within us. I find the easiest way to differentiate between the two is this:
Guilt = I’ve done something wrong (it’s conditional, acts as a motivator and restitution is possible).
vs,
Shame = There’s something wrong with me (it’s unconditional, it’s identity based and it feels permanent).
Shame is something that we all experience. It’s part of being human. And shame, when it hits, creates an experience where we feel fundamentally defective, unloveable and alone. It pushes us to hide away from the world, because feeling unworthy goes hand in hand with feeling separate from others, separate from life… and this can then be so overwhelming that we can lose ourselves in the feeling.
New blog alert!
〰️
New blog alert! 〰️
Shame-binding and it’s origins
For some of us, shame can be so embedded that it shows up in most, if not all of our relationships. Lee + Wheeler (1996) refer to this phenomena as ‘shame-binding’, a learning that was created from an individual’s earliest relationships.
So what does that even mean?
It would look something like this: a young child enthusiastically expressed a need (e.g. wanting a hug, more food, to move, frustration etc.) and the child’s parent/carer responded dismissively, scornfully or even aggressively… and then offered no relational reconnection, understanding or forgiveness… aka there was no repair, only rupture.
Repeated responses like this then lead a child to believe, “crying makes people angry” or “my excitement is too much”, or “my anger leads to being abandoned”, or simply, for many, “I am too much”.
Essentially what has happened is this child’s self-expression or need has formed into a core expectation of disapproval, and the feeling of shame is then inextricably linked with the original need.
As Mackewn states,
“a permanent linkage is made between shame and the unacceptable need, with consequent loss of access to the need. The need loses its voice. The shame-linked need does not disappear. Any time it emerges unawares, the person experiences shame, both in order to continue to experience the need as ‘not-me’ and in order to continue to live in harmony with an environment perceived as not supporting the need”.
In other words, you can have an automatic shame response to the slightest stirring of your own desires or needs.
The 3 Pillars of Shame
In Atlas of the Heart, Brené Brown (2021) outlines the three pillars of shame, the result of years of research, her own and others.
We all experience shame. It is universal. It is a primitive emotion shared by everyone unless they completely lack empathy or the capacity for human connection.
It’s not easy to talk about shame. Even mentioning the word “shame” can lead to an experience of the emotion and evoke a strong sense of fear.
Talking about shame brings a sense of control. That control gives us the strength to overcome our feelings and move forward with our lives.
“If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgement. If you put the same amount of shame in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive.”
Getting to know Shame:
If the antidote to shame is empathy, then how can we learn to be with this feeling and get to know it?
The reality for many of us is that the nature of shame is that it is a process that is frequently outside of our awareness. What often is a situation-specific rupture can be felt as a complete invalidation of the whole person - of who we are - a confirmation of your worthlessness or defectiveness.
Perhaps you’re more familiar with strategies that are designed to hide this part of you or to compensate for what you believe is wrong with you:
Embarking on endless self-improvement projects: Whether it’s being on a perpetual diet, or taking countless workshops searching for ‘happiness’ or your ‘purpose’, to pushing to get a better position at work. Now some of these activities can be undertaken in a helpful and wholesome way, however, if the driving function behind these projects is because you don’t feel ‘good enough’, then Houston, we have a problem!
Holding back and playing it safe: Whether that be in relationships, expressing your creativity, saying what you really mean, or just being you, playing it safe means fear is dictating your choices.
Keeping busy: The truth is, staying busy is a socially acceptable method of avoiding or distancing ourselves from our pain, but it does just that - it helps us avoid how we are feeling, and the inconvenient truth is that we can’t get rid of a feeling or outrun it!
These are just a few examples of how we might try to manage shame. And if you’re nodding along, then you’ve already started to gain some awareness of how shame shows up for you. Because the first step to changing your relationship with shame is to recognise shame for what it is: a part of you, not all of you.
And if you really want to spend some time getting to know shame, start by asking yourself these questions; pausing to recognise the parts of yourself that you habitually reject or push away. Because recognising the beliefs and fears that fuel your shame is the beginning of freeing yourself from it.
Questions to ask yourself:
Do you accept your body as it is?
Do you judge yourself for being too heavy? Skinny? Not physically fit?
Do you accept your mind as it is?
Do you judge yourself for not being intelligent enough? Funny? Interesting?
Do you accept your feelings and moods as they are?
Is it okay for you to let yourself cry? To feel insecure and vulnerable?
Are you ashamed of yourself for feeling jealous? Angry? Anxious?
What do you most want someone that you respect or admire (but don’t know that well) to see about you? What do you not want them to perceive about you?
