The danger of a grudge

Madeline from 'Big Little Lies' put it beautifully … “I love my grudges, I tend to them like little pets”. I think she nailed it. The trouble is, these ‘little pets’ can become savage beasts and without us even realizing it, they can slowly take a hold on us, with some pretty unhealthy consequences.

What do you notice when you think of a grudge that you might still hold onto?

I know that when I think about anything that I haven’t let go of, or dealt with, the anger is still really present.  I can notice it straight away in the tension in my body, my breath, my mood.  It’s like a haze that takes over and clouds every other little thing that I’m focusing on and how long that little pet sticks around depends on how angry it makes me feel, and how deep that hurt lies -  and the research agrees. 

Recent studies have shown that holding onto anger is associated with higher rates of chronic illness + inflammation.  That anger (that we hold onto) reduces our ability to see things from another’s perspective.  And one study even demonstrated that anger is the most harmful emotion to our cardiovascular system!!  Now don’t get me wrong, anger is a completely healthy and normal emotion.  It’s important.  It plays a vital role.  But when we don’t deal with it, or  express it (in a healthy way), when we bottle it up and hold onto those grudges, it can have pretty dire physical and mental consequences.

So how do we let that little pet go?

We forgive. Now, I hear you, this can be easier said than done  but luckily, Dr Luskin from Stanford University has some great tips on forgiveness and how we can let go of our little pets:

1| It’s for you, not the offender. Not for anyone else.

2| The sooner, the better.

3| It’s about liberating you - it doesn’t mean you have to “like” what another has said or done

In a nutshell, your first point of call is to create some distance from what happened.  Take some deep breaths, go for a run, whatever you need to do to help yourself create some space from the issue (it can be figurative or literal!) and calm your fight-or-flight response down.  Remember, it’s okay to feel however you’re feeling.  This is about not letting your hurt own and define you.

THEN, you need to try to reframe the dialogue - change your story from that of the victim, to the hero.  It’s tough, but you can do it. Remember, you don’t need to ‘like’ the other person’s behaviour to be able to let it go.  You can reframe the situation by seeing the choice of forgiveness as heroic. Believe me,  in my opinion, it’s totally bad ass!!! And what’s more, you’re taking control of the dialogue and owning what happened.  And that, dear reader, is really liberating.

So, give it a go, try forgiveness and set your little pets free.

Want more?  Check out our free downloadable guides!